Now say, "I'm leaving you for someone less repulsive"

Disgruntled significant other: "'You're a sick fuck.' There, I said it."

-- ZAP

Just be glad he doesn't do CSRE

Prof: "Who can tell me the difference between a birch tree and a beech tree?"
[Student raises his hand.]
Student: "A beech tree's got lighter bark."
Prof: "But otherwise there's no difference?"
Student: "...I dunno 'bout the leaves or anything, but when you buy furniture from Ikea, beech wood's always lighter."
Prof: "But could you identify a birch tree from a beech tree if you saw
one on campus?"
Student: "If I cut it down, maybe."

-- 300-300

Does this have anything to do with monkeys or typewriters?

Sweet-toothed student: "If you put an infinite amount of candy corn in
front of me, I will eat until I die. Do you understand that?"

-- Kresge Aud.